Saturday, 22 January 2011

Too many worries...

I seem to have so much on my mind at the moment, I can and have talked to my boyfriend about it all but not so in to depth, I know it just upsets him, and me.
We have set ourselves two massive things to save up for in the next 5 years...a house and marriage. Two things we really want!! I mean I have just got a new job, and the pay is pretty good (compared to what I have been on of recent) but I'm worried what if I get ill, what if 40 hours is too much and I can't cope... I might be absolutely fine, I plan on just making my life and my boyfriends work routine around my new work. So if I'm doing a late, get up a bit later, stay up late that night to fit all my physio and nebs in, then be in a routine for late's... but as soon as it changes to early I will have to re-routine myself around that so early bed and get up really early to do nebs and physio...yes easier planned and said than probably actually done, but we'll see. The new job is absolutely amazing and I can't wait to get properly into it! The staff seem very supportive so I am sure it will be absolutely fine.
Then on the CF site there is a lot of talk about having children and the morals of it all, and the safety on our health. I find it really hard to read these posts, because having a baby has never been a question to me, and still it's what I want. And I know its what my partner wants, he's such a family person and it would kill both of us if we couldn't have a baby. I worry what if I just can't get pregnant anyway? What if pregnancy makes me so ill that it harms the baby? If I have the baby then I know once that babies born IT WILL live a happy life, even when/if I loose my life early on. My family are amazing and my mum would do anything for that baby and my bf's family would look after baby, we have close parents, brothers and sisters who would all show this baby enough the morals of bringing the baby into my family I have no problem with. I would just love to be there... and there is nothing to say that I wont, but as I have noticed a lot more recently...Cystic Fibrosis is unpredictable. But there's no saying whether I will just get ill anyway, even if we don't have a baby and then at least I'd be leaving Marc with like a part of me..and they'd have each other...with all the nasty cancer's etc in the world, many kids loose a parent early on, I've witnessed it with a close friend, it was a dreadful time, but the dad looks after the kids now, the mums not forgotten but they live a happy life as it is. Just writing it down here, now, I feel a release of the worry I have had. It all sounds better in my head now. And I know the path I will take so long as I maintain a lung function for when the time is right to have a baby. It will be the right thing for me. At the moment however we can't afford it, so im hoping I can stay well for these next 5 years so we can then start trying. Will probably start seeing docs about it in about 3 years as when you have CF having a baby is a much longer process than normal. Sorry if any of the above has upset/offended any fellow CF'ers it's a very tough subject for all cf'ers.
I think that is all that's been playing on my mind actually, now I have written it down, it seems so silly that it has been getting to me for days. Only time will tell, and we can't plan some of these things in life....Worrying about whether I will handle my job is not going to help, all I can do is do it and see...If I can't I will just have to cut my hours down. But I'm sure I will be fine:D


  1. Hey hun, these are all ifs and buts. Don't let them worry you. As for others being offended in your choice that ridiculous if they are. Its your choice and you have something to aim for. So keep those lungs where they are and you will have no worries at all. I however have never really been maternal, I thought about kids briefly when i realised i really was not goin to have them and i think i was a little upset but then remembered very fast that i hate screaming kids lol and thats why Kia (my puppy) suits me amazingly lol.

    Take care xx

  2. Thanks Kirstie, I ended up breaking down to my bf about it all last night and he re-assured me so much too. Your words have also made me feel alot better about it all. Glad your enjoying your pup:D

  3. Heyy, I just found your blog and was reading a few posts, as Kirstie said they are all ifs and buts... As for the wanting children I was the same, I really wanted them in the future and had all these same thoughts and ended up pregnant at 16!! I strongly thought I could have children as I hardly have periods I get the odd 1 here and there and when I found out I was pregnant it was the biggest shick of my life. Im not going to lie my pregnancy wasnt easy but my weight was'nt good at all and that was the main problem anyway I had my son at 38weeks and I had a natural. It can be hard time to time when your chest is'nt great but I wouldnt change him for the world. Try to stop letting things get to you :) x