Cystic Fibrosis decided on Tuesday last week to make me aware it is still there and I can't just get on with life without having days of feeling extremely poorly. It didn't ease me in nicely, it just sort of said 'you have been really well for 2 whole months now you are going to pay for it' and that night I got home from work at 22.45 did a Physio, had my nebuliser (Pulmozyne), got in my pyjama's, took my make-up off, had 4 tablets (Omeprazole, Domperidone, Singulair) brushed my teeth and was in bed by 23.30. Usually I would then fall asleep absolutely fine and sleep till my alarm clock rudely awakens me. Well I laid down and the coughing began and it would not stop, I tried a cold drink, a hot drink, sitting back up, blowing my nose, having my inhaler (all the things that usually work) but I didn't stop till 2.30 am. My alarm then went off at 5am and I dragged myself out at 5.20 feeling extremely tired and achy and once again coughing! Wednesday night I immediately put myself on some antibiotics I had already stocked my house up with, Linezolid and Ciprofloxacin. I didn't sleep for about four more nights and the antibiotics made me feel sick and you have to have them an hour away from my other tablet Omeprazole and can't have with tea and even when it's been an hour apart it still seems to make me feel sick. I was SO well for the 2 months, I think it was swimming in the swimming pool at work that made me ill as it was sooo warm, like a bath and I stayed in for 2 hours and I was quite sniffly and eye runny after. Now I have a real achy left lung and a crackly cough, not so irritating and I'm hoping the antibiotics are shifting it which is making it crackle more. I'm a little concerned about the achy lung but I think that might be the excessive physio's and coughing I have done this week. My left lung is ALWAYS the worse one, if I feel phlegmy or just coughy its always the left side where I can feel it. I feel pretty lethargic at the moment and I get really agitated when I'm ill and stressy towards those closest to me (maily my poor fiancee who always has a way of getting me through it). I think the reasons behind the agitation is more fear.....what if I dont get back to as good as I was before this infection, what if it becomes more serious, what happens when I do get to that stage and can't work, what if it ruins the chance of me ever having a baby...Two main things I am are ambitious and maternal and I know Cystic Fibrosis can control those two things in my life more than I can. I can do all my medications everyday as I do, I can exercise and do everything in my power to keep well enough to work and one day have a baby but sometimes infections come along and just take all that effort you have made to keep well away, I have seen it happen to people with CF and it's one of my biggest fear.

If Im too ill to work and my fiancee and I have a mortgage by then, I will have to just rely on him and I hate that, he is reliable, completely but I want him to be able to rely on me to. Then if we manage to have a baby, and I can't go back to work after that then he has me and the baby, himself and the house to pay for and no offence on him but his jobs aren't financially enough for that at the moment and the one dream job he wants is firefighting full time which he does part time and he just can't seem to manage to get in to it and each time he doesn't manage I see him fall a little more apart. He wants it so bad.. I want it for him so bad.

If my health wasn't bad, I wouldn't have these worries because I really enjoy working and I can earn enough to pay half and he could stay with what he is doing and pay half and we'd get along just fine.

O dear, my achy lung is really bothering me now, what can you do with an achy lung it really aches when I cough so physio shall be fun tonight! but i'm going to go and stop moaning now! As i'm getting bored of the sound of my own voice, it just saves me moaning to the people closest to me who can see when i'm feeling low or not and don't really need telling, and although they would listen to me deeply it's all stuff I moan about one day and want to forget about the next.